Things finally changed last week. We were able to wear jeans to work and mine were all tight. Even my "baggy" pair. That's what triggered me to finally stop denying the fact that I've gained 10 pounds.*
There are two reasons I fell off the weight loss wagon.
1. I was ok with how I looked
2. I didn't want to put in the work I knew it would take to lose more weight
As long as #1 was true, I was happy with my decision with #2.
Well, for the past few weeks, #1 has been furthest from the truth.
I kept waiting for the motivation to come back and it never did.
On Friday morning I decided I was going to try again. I did care. The first thing I did was decide I was going to count my WW+ points for breakfast. Then I texted my friend Stacey and told her what I was doing - I needed the accountability before I had a chance to give up.
I went to our kitchen, opened the pantry and pulled down the cereal box to scan the barcode. There was something so disappointing about doing that. I don't know why, but I felt like such a failure at that point. After I figured out that the cereal I wanted was pretty high in points, I chose to have a different kind to save a few points. I passed Jim in the bedroom and told him I was counting again and I needed his support now more than ever.
I made it through work ok. Had a sensible lunch and a few point-friendly snacks I had packed.
I made the commute home, picked up the kids, got Gracie ready for dance and got a message from Jim that we were going to meet some friends at Long John Silvers for dinner. I was half way through my dinner before I realized I was supposed to be "back on it." I leaned over to Jim and said "I forgot I was back on weight watchers." I looked at my plate of fish, hush puppies, and fries and felt defeated. Jim said - it's ok, just get some extra exercise in this week.
I'm going to be honest, it was hard this weekend. It's extra hard because I remember how easy it was the first time I did Weight Watchers - the newness of it, the excitement, the optimism. That's all gone and now it's just hard work and changing EVERYTHING that I've gotten comfortable (not) doing. By Sunday night all of my extra weekly points were gone.
I'm trying to keep my chin up. Writing this has helped. I'm realizing how little credit I'm giving myself. I'm more than capable of achieving my weight loss goals. At this point it's all a head game. It's all about control and confidence and perseverance. I'm strong and stubborn and nothing can stop me when I set my mind to something.
* I had been maintaining a weight of 195 for most of 2012. So at 205 today that's an extra 10 pounds than I'm used to. My lowest recorded weight was 188.6 in June 10, 2011 - a 17 pounds gain from where I am today.