We went camping back in September. It had been a long time since the four of us had the time to get away for the weekend and we were having a great time. I was enjoying the day exploring nature with the people I love the most. I instinctively reached for my phone to capture the moment so I could look back on the photo and remember how happy I was in that place and time. I gathered the family in selfie position and snapped the photo. It was very bright out that day and hard to edit the photo so I made a mental note to edit and post it later when we got back to the campsite. Several hours later I remembered to take a look at the photo. The only problem was I didn't see myself in the photo. Instead I saw the me that has slowly gained 20 pounds over the past three years. Before I could feel any worse than I did in that moment I quickly deleted the photo.
The last five pounds that I've gained over the summer and fall have finally pushed me over the edge. I am finally admitting that I have gained back almost half the weight I lost back in 2010.
I don't want to dwell on the negative but I do want to list out what I've been feeling the past few months. One thing that gives me comfort is knowing I'm not alone. Can you relate to any of these feelings?
It happened slowly, then all at once. My highest weight to date has been 245 lbs. in 2009. I successfully reach a mini goal in October 2010 to get under 200 lbs. I still wanted to lose at least 10-15 more pounds after that but I hung out comfortably in the 195s for a good two years. Then in 2013 I slowly started to slip - not surprisingly this was around the same time I slowly stopped exercising and blogging. At first when I would gain a pound or two I didn't worry about it, knowing I could fix it the next week. Then when I had gained 10 pounds I still wasn't worried, thinking it would just take a few weeks to get back on track. In the past six months I've gained an additional 10 pounds and feel completely out of control. I currently weigh 215.4 lbs. I'm not worried about getting off the 20 pounds I've gained. Instead I'm terrified I'm going to continue to gain and be back up to 245 lbs. I'm paralyzed with fear.
I'm tired all the time. All. The. Time. I get up at 5:30 a.m. for work.When I get home from work at 4:45 p.m. I could easily go to bed and sleep until the next morning. I have no energy to do anything. But I remember what it used to feel like before I gained this 20 pounds. I remember going to exercise classes from 8-9 p.m. and coming home and having plenty of energy. Sleeping so well and waking up ready to take on the day. I remember not needing to nap on the weekends.
I have lost my healthiness confidence. Over the past year I have started and stopped my attempts to take off the weight at least a dozen times. I've been on a constant roller coaster of feeling like this time I really can do it, doing great for two or three days and then falling off the wagon. It's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to try again knowing the chance that I'll stick with it is slim.
I'm so uncomfortable in my skin. The first 10 pounds that I gained back weren't as noticeable to me as the second 10 pounds. The worst part for me is seeing my face take on it's round shape again, followed by new weight gain in my stomach. It's getting to the point that I'm not fitting in my clothes and that I'm not recognizing my reflection in the mirror. This was a huge red flag for me. But still not enough to motivate me to lose the weight.
My weight gain is effecting my personality. I'm sad. My weight gain has trickled into how I negatively feel about myself and it's changing me as a mom and wife. This was the final straw that made me realize I had to do something NOW.
So that's where I was. I knew I had to do something. I was so scared of not being able to control my weight gain.
This is a bold and scary statement to make but I have to do it.
I'm ready. I am going to lose this weight NOW!
I have put a plan in place to lose this weight that I will be sharing with you over the next few days. The highlights are:
I've joined a 21 day challenge for accountability and encouragement
I'm committing to blog every day for the next 21 days
I will exercise two days a week for the next 21 days
In true blogging form here are two recent photos of me. These are from a business trip in early October when I had managed to lose about five pounds (210 lbs).