01 02 03 I'm My Favorite: That Weird Beginning Part 04 05 15 16 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 31 32 33

That Weird Beginning Part

I spent some time yesterday reading over my posts from the fall. I hadn't realized I was pretty much in the same boat then as I am now. And then I proceeded to read how I pretty easily dropped those extra 10 pounds once I got started.

All I could think about while I was reading those posts was what an idiot I felt like. I've wasted so much time the past few months waiting to get back on the wagon. Why had I been so paralyzed with fear and the risk of failure?

Another thing I noticed was that the first week is really hard and then it gets much easier. That is until week four. Week four will mess you up big time. You can't see the results yet, although you've been working so hard. And temptation starts to get the better of you. You start to push the limits with food to see what you can get away with and still lose. At least that has been my experience. NOTE TO SELF - READ THIS ON WEEK FOUR.

And it's been awhile since I've gotten past week four, but I remember it being pretty smooth sailing for me the first time around and that's for one reason - I started seeing the results. And that is a natural drug that I wanted more and more of.

I'm in that weird beginning part. The past weeks have been filled with such sadness and doubt. Now, I'm right on the edge of having control back. I am starting to remember what it's like to be in control and have confidence and hope. I remember those trips to the dressing room to try on cute clothes, to not worry about eating out or parties because I knew I would be in control. It's right there, but I can't quite grasp it.

And I know I'm only 10 pounds away from those things I just described, but it feels like so much more than that. I have a hard time remember what it felt like when I was 245 pounds. That was four years ago. I don't remember what it felt like to be in that body.

But I do know what it's like to be in this 205 pound body and I feel like it's day one, starting from scratch. Does that make any sense? Like that January day in 2009 when I hit bottom and decided I had to lose weight and get healthy ... that's what I feel like right now four years later and 40 pounds lighter. Rock bottom and looking up from this huge hole that I need to dig myself out of.

It's all a head game right now.

That's what I forget when I'm doing so well. When people look to me for motivation and what my secret is. I forget how hard it is at the very beginning - actually it's not even the very beginning that's so hard, it's the time just before you decide to get started. Blind faith. Just jump in and do it. Don't worry about the what ifs. Yes, it's easier said than done, but everyone has to start there and it's so worth it.
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