If (when) I lose my mojo again, read this ...

I can feel myself starting to change and it feels different this time. It doesn't feel like fleeting feelings of hope. I'm feeling the confidence that I felt when I was losing before.

I feel a sense of urgency to write down what's going on and how I got here so that when I lose my wellness mojo again (because I'm sure it will happen) I'll know what to do to get it back.

1. Most importantly I'm tracking consistently. I've tried and failed to do this so many times over the last year. There is something different about it this time. My pattern before was to start on Mondays, not be consistent and then by the time the weekend came I would give up. Here's what's different. I'm bringing my lunch to work so my numbers during the day are low. That is boosting my confidence to have a modest dinner. When I stay within my daily points it is much easier to enter them. The hard part is still the weekend. I'm not sure what prompted me to do it this past weekend. I think it may have been my stubbornness. But I said enough already. You know you are going to have pizza on Friday and have a girls night on Saturday and you'll use up all your weekly points, but so what - own it. Note to mojoless self - Just get through a whole week of tracking and I guarantee you you will not regret it.


2. I'm blogging. When I write it builds my confidence in myself and gives me a sense of accountability. It also helps me uncover things that I might not have realized had I not sat down to write about them. To be honest I have struggled the last couple of weeks because my blog stats show that not nearly as many people read my blog as they used to. It's rare for people to mention my blog in conversation or even comment on the blog itself. But what has helped me the last couple of days is to just let go of that. It's not a good reason to blog.


3. I'm thinking about the WW points before I put the food in my mouth. So simple but makes a huge difference.


4. I've been down in the dumps lately. When I'm down I give up on myself and I eat. Gaining control back with my wellness goals is so empowering. Feeling like I have control over something when I have little control over anything else makes me want to hold on to that feeling of control and not ever let go.

I Know My Confidence Is Here Somewhere!

Thank you Sabine, Mom and NAN for your responses to my last post. I really appreciate the feedback and knowing I'm not alone.

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One of the things on my task list last week was to sit down and journal about what I want. On Saturday I spent less than 10 minutes writing, but I did uncover a couple of reasons that have been hiding out in my head.

The first being I want to get down to my lowest weight again. Until I lose the 10 pounds that I gained back I will continue to feel like a failure. I haven't listed my weight here on my blog for several months and that's the reason why. Well I'm not going to wait until I get to the lowest weight to be truthful on here any more. The accountability and weekly weigh-ins have helped me in the past, so I'm going to take a step forward. My weight last Friday was 200 lbs.

The second thing I wrote is I want to be thinner. Yes, it sounds obvious, but this is the #1 reason I want to lose weight at this point. Two Sunday's ago I was finally back in the workout room at Zumba and when I saw my side view I cringed and looked away. I don't want to do that anymore.

I went to Zumba again on Thursday, but I didn't have any clean workout tanks so I wore a t-shirt which I never do anymore. It just makes me too hot and I always get down on myself on how I look in oversized t-shirts when I'm doing aerobics - I look huge.

All I could think about during class was how bad I felt about myself and how great my instructor looked. Julie was rocking her Zumba instructor tank, tight Zumba pants and cute little pigtails. But I was even more impressed because Julie has shared her before photos with our group before. I kept thinking about those photos as I followed Julie along doing the Zumba moves. She is proof that I can do this. She is motivating me. I can do this. I know it.

The good news is I'm getting there. I'm taking baby steps and I'm starting to gain my confidence back. The daily (manageable) task list is helping. I'm not eating after dinner. I'm tracking. Thank God I'm finally tracking again. I tracked all weekend and even though I'm in the red for my numbers this week, at least I tracked. I'm getting there. But until I see some physically results I'm just going to be going through the motions. That's just the truth. Until I see it in my clothes and my body I'm just going to have to believe in myself enough to know I can do it.

Daughters and Self-Image

I want to talk about our daughters.

My daughter is 7. She is perfect in my eyes as well as her own. Everyone at school is her friend and likes her and she likes everyone.

My perfect daughter Gracie.

The thing is I was 7 once and I know things will change. I don't know exactly how or when it happens but we girls start comparing ourselves to other girls. Other girls are smarter, prettier and thinner. And we all know that girls can be mean and will point out that they are smarter, prettier and thinner.

How do I prepare my daughter for this? I feel a sense of urgency. This is the time RIGHT NOW that I need to ensure she has a high self-esteem. That she has a positive self-image. And how can I do that when I know I am guilty of comparing my daughter to other girls. Maybe I'm just human, but I feel awful about this - I compare Gracie's reading ability to other girls, I compare how she looks in her dance leotard to other girls, I compare Gracie's beautiful face to other little girls.

I worry about telling her she pretty too much. I worry that I'm not telling her she's pretty enough. Do I tell her she's smart as often as I tell her she's pretty? Am I over-analyzing all of this?

All I know is that when I put that single serving mac-n-cheese in the microwave for her because it's easy and she wants it I feel AWFUL! I feel horrible about it. If there is anyone that deserves my time and effort it's my kids.

And I know I'm being hard on myself. It's been a hard couple of weeks and we've dipped into the more convenient foods than we usually do. But I just feel this great sense of responsibility - and I should - I'm her mother. Who else is she going to look towards more than me on developing good habits.

And why do I not hear more conversations about this? In this day in age when we are all so open and you can find information about anything on the internet. Why don't I see more blog posts on how to talk to your daughters about their body image.

But it's not all about high self-esteem. There are some non-rainbow-and-unicorn things I need to be teaching my daughter and I'm scared to do it and I don't know how to do it. I want to teach her that she can't have snacks as much as she would prefer. Right now she asks for a snack and I decide if it's ok for her to have one or not based on what she's eaten lately. If I tell her no, she's fine with it. But I need to be having an open discussion with her about a balanced diet. I need her to understand all this before she's old enough to discover she can sneak food or that she can trade her carrots for Twinkies at school (these, of course, are the things I did when I was a kid). I need to talk openly with her about the fact that the decisions she makes now will effect how she will be as an adult. That just seems crazy to even type that and I'm starting to have a panic attack about this.

Ok - is this where everything is coming from. Do I wish (and sorry mom - i know you read my blog and will worry you did something wrong - you didn't - I love you. I love you so much, please don't feel like any of this is your fault) do I wish that I could tell my 7 year old self that when I get home from school to not eat one Little Debbie snack after another, to beg my parents to get me to move - to find something, anything, that would have gotten me off the couch. Do I wish that I could go back and tell myself that I like broccoli and oranges and brown rice and wheat bread?

Do I? Crap, I don't know. Sure it probably would have been easier to go through life healthier and thinner, but I am who I am today because of all of my previous experiences and I like who I am today.

Ok, I've rambled on long enough. You all have to have an opinion about this. So tell me your words of advice. Links to good books and articles. Please share with me - at least to let me know I'm not alone with worrying about this. 

This photo is from my half-marathon in November. I ran up to give Gracie a kiss. Her sign was upside down and said "OG Wow OG. Do you think things like having her see me train for a marathon and cheering me on at the race will help her understand the importance of wellness?

Three Things

It's not a new concept, but it's new to me. Each morning I'm writing down three things that I want to accomplish that day. I have two rules. Rule #1 One of the things has to be wellness related. Rule #2 I don't care what the task is as long as at the end of the day I feel good about myself having completed it.

Results

The end of January is not my favorite time of year. "Chaos" is the word that comes to mind. I'm gone the first week in January, come home for a week and then Jim is gone for his training. I just don't feel like I have things together and organized like I usually do. I don't have our family calendar up-to-date, the Christmas tree is still up and I just feel like I'm a step behind where I need to be.

And it's the same with my wellness life as well. I'm in this place of limbo. I feel like I'm circling the tarmac and can't make up my mind if I want to land or keep flying. This past week I did awesome with my eating at work, but completely lost it at night. I'm not able to make it to Zumba as often as I want because of scheduling conflicts, but there are other ways to exercise besides Zumba when those situations come up.

I just feel like I'm in a fog right now. I'm not motivated to do anything. I'm in a constant state of procrastination. I'm in a funk. I know what I need to do - starting with taking a good hard look at what my goals are for the year. I need some brainstorming sessions and to-do lists. But I keep putting it off. It's not my favorite thing to do, so I don't do it. But I know once I finally just hunker down and do it I'll be kicking myself for not doing it sooner.

I do know one thing. I've come up with my mantra for 2012. It's "RESULTS." I'm so sick of the wishing and hoping and praying. When I put in the work I get results and that is what I want - in all areas of my life. I want results.

The Girl on the Right

I was talking to a group of women from my parish the other night that I had never met before. We were talking about self-esteem and when it came my time to talk I couldn't help but share how my current self-esteem was tied to my weight loss.

I told them that just a few years ago my self-esteem was at a "3" on the scale we were looking at. I had a real problem with how I felt about my appearance.

I went on to share that I had a breakthrough and decided I wanted to do something about it. I had such little self-confidence that I was afraid to tell Jim, my husband, that I wanted to try and lose weight and start going to the gym. It took a lot of courage for me to admit to him that I needed to do this (at the time I thought that meant I was admitting I was a failure) and I was scared that he wouldn't be supportive of me leaving him with the kids at night so I could go to the gym (because that's how I would have felt if the roles were reversed). I was so relieved when I realized that Jim was my biggest cheerleader and he told me to do it!

So, back to the group ... I shared with them how I began to build my self-esteem by deciding that I was worth it. That I was worth putting in the time and effort to get healthy. I took a huge leap of faith believing in myself that I could do it. And as the weight came off, my self-esteem went up. As I gained confidence in the workout room, I gained the guts to talk to people in my class and not submit to the shy girl that I really am inside.

And finally I told the group that I'm at a "7" on the self-esteem scale today because I've taken the next step by putting myself out there with being vulnerable and sharing my experiences with other people - here on my blog and with friends and strangers that I meet every day.

As I was reflecting on all this I had an "ah ha moment." As you know, I've been struggling to get the last 20 lbs. off for over a year. I realize now it is because I'm not the same person I was when I started.

It's because I have higher self-esteem than I did when I began.

I want to share a photo with you:

I don't know, maybe you don't see much difference in these photos, but for me the difference is significant.

The photo on the left was taken in 2008 and the one on the right last week (2012). I'm pretty much standing in the exact same spot in both photos, just four years apart.

I've written about it before (here and here), but last week I was at an annual training I go to in Arizona. It's where the spark to lose weight first started.

The girl on the left was 32. She liked to have fun and was nice and all, but her head was constantly filled with thoughts of "I wish I was thinner" "I wish I could lose weight" "I wish I was in a size 14 jeans" "I wish I didn't have a double chin" and on and on. The girl on the left hated having her photo taken and hated when she caught glimpses in the mirror and realized how big she had gotten.

The girl on the left wished every day that she could be like the girl on the right. 

The girl on the right, at age 36, represented everything the girl on the left would never have. The girl on the right had confidence, pride in her appearance, and was social.

How many nights did I lay in bed as the girl on the left and pray to God that I would wake up and be the girl on the right? Wishing, praying, setting New Years resolutions and writing in her journal that this year would be the year. Only to look back on Dec. 31 and be so disappointed that nothing had changed.

I was desperate. I had to do something. And that desperation paired with a little glimmer of hope is what made me take off the weight.

But now I'm not desperate. I'm happy and confident. And yes, I do want so much to get this last 20 pounds off, but not the way I did in the beginning. Now the desire to eat a delicious looking cookie is more powerful to me than the desire to get down another pant size. The thoughts of "oh, I can get back on it Monday" are louder than the urgency I once had to get the weight off as fast as I could.

While I was at the training last week I didn't once have that negative self-talk I did four years ago. I enjoyed getting ready every day, picking out which outfit to wear, doing my hair and make up, picking out the right jewelry and cute shoes. I was happy to have my photo taken and didn't avoid mirrors or windows that would show my reflection.

I don't know what it's going to take to get me to lose the last 20 pounds, but at least I know now that it's not going to be the same things that it was when I started. At least now I don't have to beat myself up every time I start and stop with the same plan and end up failing. No, now I need to look inside myself and figure out what it's going to take to make this happen. And maybe it starts with figuring out why I want to lose the rest of the weight. If I truly am happier with how I feel and look now, than why do I feel the need to lose more? I feel like there is a spark inside of me that's just waiting to be lit.

I wish I had the answer to share with you. I'm hopeful that I'll find it soon.