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I'm sure there's a medical definition for binge eating, but to me I imagine it's different for every person who struggles with eating.
This is what it means to me - my brain turns off to any self talk that would tell me to not eat whatever it is I want to eat. My brain just blocks it out. It's like a little kid that throws a tantrum - ears covered, eyes closed, screaming at the tops of their lungs so they can't hear the voice of reason. And the other part is while I'm eating the bite of food, like as soon as it goes in my mouth, I'm already reaching for the next bite.
This just happened. I had a bag of mini chocolates in my office - snickers, 3 musketeers, twixs, etc. I've had them in my office for three weeks without eating any. I had two this morning, two about an hour ago and just a few minutes ago I down 3 or 4 ( I honestly don't know because my brain was crazy). As I was eating them I was reaching for the next mini square to unwrap and eat without thinking about it.
I hate it. I hate what it says about me - to be controlled by food that way. To have no discipline. It's not like me.
I was afraid it would happen. I shouldn't have given up chocolate for Lent. I knew I would struggle with eating it once Easter arrived. I had a chocolate donut this morning. I never eat donuts at the office.
It's done now. I got up to fill my water and walked past the boxes of donuts and went back in my office and said enough - I put the bag of chocolates out with the donuts for the other staff so they can deal with them. Throw them away or whatever, I don't care, I just can't have them in my office. That was the first step, admitting all this on my blog is the second, and going to Zumba tonight is the third.
I can not allow food to control me like this. I'm too strong a person to do that and I've worked too hard to screw it all up.