Thank you Sabine, Mom and NAN for your responses to my last post. I really appreciate the feedback and knowing I'm not alone.
One of the things on my task list last week was to sit down and journal about what I want. On Saturday I spent less than 10 minutes writing, but I did uncover a couple of reasons that have been hiding out in my head.
The first being I want to get down to my lowest weight again. Until I lose the 10 pounds that I gained back I will continue to feel like a failure. I haven't listed my weight here on my blog for several months and that's the reason why. Well I'm not going to wait until I get to the lowest weight to be truthful on here any more. The accountability and weekly weigh-ins have helped me in the past, so I'm going to take a step forward. My weight last Friday was 200 lbs.
The second thing I wrote is I want to be thinner. Yes, it sounds obvious, but this is the #1 reason I want to lose weight at this point. Two Sunday's ago I was finally back in the workout room at Zumba and when I saw my side view I cringed and looked away. I don't want to do that anymore.
I went to Zumba again on Thursday, but I didn't have any clean workout tanks so I wore a t-shirt which I never do anymore. It just makes me too hot and I always get down on myself on how I look in oversized t-shirts when I'm doing aerobics - I look huge.
All I could think about during class was how bad I felt about myself and how great my instructor looked. Julie was rocking her Zumba instructor tank, tight Zumba pants and cute little pigtails. But I was even more impressed because Julie has shared her before photos with our group before. I kept thinking about those photos as I followed Julie along doing the Zumba moves. She is proof that I can do this. She is motivating me. I can do this. I know it.
The good news is I'm getting there. I'm taking baby steps and I'm starting to gain my confidence back. The daily (manageable) task list is helping. I'm not eating after dinner. I'm tracking. Thank God I'm finally tracking again. I tracked all weekend and even though I'm in the red for my numbers this week, at least I tracked. I'm getting there. But until I see some physically results I'm just going to be going through the motions. That's just the truth. Until I see it in my clothes and my body I'm just going to have to believe in myself enough to know I can do it.