There is a lot going on in my head right now when it comes to my weight loss goals. The facts are I'm just barely staying around the 197 lbs. mark and maintaining that is an unnecessary daily battle. I'm making it way harder than it needs to be. I would like to be at 180 lbs. right now. That's just a little over 15 pounds, but it something I haven't been able to accomplish this year and that disappointments me.
I've been doing a lot of thinking as to what's holding me back and I think I have it figured out.
I've experienced this before. I gave up trying to lose weight after my kids were born because I didn't believe I could do it. I then proceeded to eat and eat until I hit my all time high of 245 lbs. When I started weight watchers I was so scared to even try because I didn't believe in myself enough to think I could do it.
So what am I scared of now?
I'm scared of the work it's going to take to get those last 15-20 pounds off. I'm not scared about the exercise part of the work. I'm scared about the eating.
I don't believe I can do it. I don't believe I can limit the food that goes in my mouth and I don't believe that I'll make the right food choices. Because right now I'm not doing those things.
I'm eating way too much fast food, too large of portions and too many treats. I float between being happy with how I look enough to justify eating a cookie and wanting to lose weight so much that I get sad that I'm not losing. Maintaining this weight is manageable and I'm scared that when I cut back on the food to get the rest of this weight off that it will be too hard to maintain the weight loss.
Yep, that's it. I'm scared that once I lose the rest of the weight that I won't want to keep up with the work to maintain it. I feel like I already cut back on the foods I love so much now that in order to be at 185 lbs. I'll never be able to eat anything "good" again.
I need to get over this. This fear is holding me back.
What I need to do is breakthrough this mental war with what I eat. I'm constantly asking myself "What sounds good?" Especially at lunchtime. 11 a.m. hits and I didn't bring my lunch (because I haven't been to the store) and I ask myself "what sounds good?" And the answer is never good.
Monday I had the day off and I was cleaning up the house and decide to run out to pick up lunch (because we had no food in the house - see the cycle here). I was in the car and asked myself what sounded good. I decided I wanted Chinese food. As I started driving to the restaurant I decided that didn't actually sound good. "What sounds good" I asked myself again. Ohhh, Steak-n-shake chili mac and cheese fries is what sounded good. Oh my, it sure sounded good. I could smell the fake cheddar cheese already. But something snapped in my head and I literally yelled at myself in the car. I shouted out loud "what are you doing?" I was really mad.
What am I doing? It doesn't have to be this hard. I don't have to make these poor choices that ALWAYS make me feel bad after I make them. There's no reason to keep doing this to myself.
So Monday I made a good choice. I went to Chick-fil-A and got a grilled chicken salad. After I ate the salad I didn't feel bad about myself like I would have if I had gotten the Chinese food or cheese fries. Yeah, the salad didn't "sound good," or even taste "good" but it took care of my hunger and I was able to get back to my housework, which is what it's all about isn't it? I didn't think about those cheese fries the rest of the day. I wasn't disappointed that I didn't eat them, but I can guarantee you that if I had eaten them that I would have been upset about it the rest of the day.
But I'm tired of the constant battle. I'm tired of fighting with myself over what sounds good and what is good.
It's so so so simple you guys. I know this. I know what I have to do, so why am I not doing it?
Because it's hard. Well, suck it up Stephanie and put in the work!
Dec. 2007 vs. Dec. 2011 - same work event; four years later
(will post this again once I get a higher quality photo)
Here's what I have to do:
Grocery shop every week
Bring my lunch to work
Here's what I need to do to accomplish these things:
Grocery Shop - I have to go every Sunday. No excuses. So what if I'm too tired. It all starts here. If I don't buy groceries, I don't bring my lunch, I make poor choices at lunch and then I give up for the entire week.
Bring my lunch/blog - I will be so much happier if I bring my lunch. When I bring my lunch I won't be asking myself what sounds good. And I have to blog. When I blog I lose weight. I know this. I miss blogging. I miss having people tell me they're inspired by what I write.
Track - Put in the effort to track. Stop being lazy about it. Stop whining about it. It works for me. Just do it.
Exercise - This is one thing I have going for me right now. I'm making exercise a priority. It's taking some major schedule juggling, but I'm making it to Zumba three days a week. I missed Zumba so much while I was training for the marathon. I'm so excited about being able to go even more once the holidays are over.
What do you guys think? Can you relate to the "What sounds good trap?"