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I find I struggle the most when I stop caring. That's how I got to be 245 pounds. By not caring about any of it. Not caring about what I ate, not caring that I never exercised, not caring that I didn't own any cute clothes.
But that's not entirely true. Yes, I didn't care about those things, but it was only when I was justifying that sixth cookie I was shoving in my mouth. Yes, that's when I didn't care. When I was shoving down emotions or loneliness with food. Trying to comfort myself with delicious tasting treats.
But it was not worth it. And when I lost the weight I realized that feeling healthy was so much better that "not caring."
I still have those times when I think I don't care. And this summer it's seems like I have had more of those times than I'm comfortable with. I think I don't care when I go to my favorite restaurant and eat too much bread. I think I don't care when I suggest we go out for ice cream. I think I don't care when I don't track my weight watcher points. And I think I don't care when I only go to Zumba ONE time the whole month of July.
But I do care. In the long run I care and I wish that I would have made different choices. Then I get scared and wonder what happened to my drive. What happened to the person that was 100% on the program. Then I try again and do ok for a few days or weeks and then I go back to that not caring enough attitude. And then I get really scared that I'm going to end up back to where I was before.
I won't let that happen.
I read Suzi Storm's blog post today on what it's like after reaching goal and it's no surprise that she said still struggles. I know that. I know that I will have to try every day for the rest of my life. As long as I never give up I'll be ok.
Suzi said,
"Why is it that I’ve lost 101 lbs, but gained a couple back and all of a sudden I feel like a huge blob, yet I’m under goal weight & when I was at this weight eight months ago I felt like Hedi Klum (please tell me I’m not crazy)?? Every weight loss, big or small, comes with it’s own set of “new struggles”. But of course, these new struggles mean new learning’s which mean new self growth!"
It's these little ah-ha moments that are more powerful than the "not caring" moments. No, she's not crazy - I totally get her comment about feeling like a blob at a weight she felt skinny at 8 months before.
That's what I miss. I miss that feeling of feeling more fit every day, the feeling of my pants getting too big and seeing new muscles being formed. That's what I need to care about. That's what I need to think about when I start to think it's not worth it. That the taste of chocolate is NOT better than the feeling of losing weight.
I am actually in a good mental place right now. It's taken me several weeks to get there, but I'm exercising consistently again. I'm struggling with my hunger right now. It might be the medications I'm on now for my cluster headaches (which are finally gone after nearly a year of trying different medications) but I think I can work it out.
I don't know if other people are like me, but my weight loss has a pattern - it happened in two waves. I lost 25 pounds in the first six months, then I maintained that loss for about nine months. Then last July I was 100% on my game and lost 25 in six months, then I maintained that loss for about nine months.
There is definitely a pattern there. Last June I had reached a point that I wasn't caring any more. That's when I started my blog and found some accountability with that. I also was motivated by my sister-in-law Kim's determination to get healthy and then Jim joined Weight Watchers and we became a team.
But now I find myself in a sort of limbo. I feel like I'm waiting for the next motivational thing to come along and kick me in the butt. Well, others can help motivate me, but I'm the one that has to do all the work.
I have to decide that I care. And you know what? I do care.
Thanks for reading my head trash - I feel better now.
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Yesterday Stacey and I went to the Jordon Y on our lunch hour intending to do 3 miles on the treadmill. Well, we were disappointed to find that we were only able to fit in 1.71 miles before we needed to hit the showers and head back to the office.
Jim was able to pick up the kids so I headed straight to the Baxter Y after work and hit the treadmill. I was hoping to get the whole three miles in at that time, but I needed to stop a little short to head downstairs to the gym for Zumba. My two walking sessions combined were 4.46 miles.
There weren't any fans in the gym for some reason and so I over-heated a bit about 40 minutes in and headed for the locker room to put a cold paper towel on my face. I ran into my Zumba friend Emily and we talked True Blood for a few minutes before I headed back to the gym.
I was feeling the effects of walking over four miles already that day so I left class about 10 minutes early, only to be greeted with a dead car battery. Jim came to my rescue though and I made it home.
Time - 77 minutes Distance - 4.46 miles Average Pace - 17:28
