01 02 03 I'm My Favorite: Head Games 04 05 15 16 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 31 32 33

Head Games

I really struggled yesterday. It's because I went off plan while I was on vacation, which I had planned on doing and was complete fine with, but it was the coming back from vacation and getting back on plan that I found harder than I anticipated.

I didn't count points on Sunday when we got home although I very well could have. I had lunch at Taco Bell and got a beef meximelt and chicken burrito. We picked up the kids from my parents and went home to relax for a few hours before trick-or-treating. It was at this point that I got into the Halloween candy. In my mind I justified it by saying I was still on vacation. I grabbed a couple of Kit Kats from the bag and went to my bedroom and ate them. Ah, I was reverting to my old way of binging - sneaking and shoving it down before anyone saw me or I could think about it. I went back two more times for some reece cups and snickers. I could have easily kept going but somehow I found the strength to stop.

After trick-or-treating I suggested picking up Little Ceasers for dinner. I had three pieces of pepperoni pizza and two pieces of crazy bread and a bunch of cheese sauce.

The difference between my eating on Sunday and how I ate on vacation was that I felt guilty after. I hadn't planned on doing it.

I started this post by saying I struggled on Monday. I think Monday was even harder than Sunday because I was making the choice to get back on plan and it was hard. I wanted to continue eating candy and greasy food but I didn't.

There's another big struggle I've had since I've gotten home and it's a huge mind game. I mentioned yesterday that I was up about four pounds. I was expecting that number to be higher. For some reason I was envisioning a 12 pound gain. Honestly, that's what I was thinking. I have been so perfect on my plan. I'm within my points every week and I get in a lot of exercise and I thought since I went off plan on vacation that I would totally screw everything up - or I was afraid - mostly I just didn't know what to expect so I expected the worst. So when I saw I had gained four pounds I was relieved. The thing is that number has been fluctuating a lot since Sunday and as of this morning I was at less than a two pound gain from my vacation.

So, instead of being excited about getting the vacation weight off faster than I anticipated I've been playing these mind games with myself. I'm thinking - if I can go off plan for five days and only gain two pounds than surely I can have a few more reece cups. Why don't I stop for a cheeseburger and fries instead of having that frozen Kashi meal for dinner. Ack, I haven't had this crap talk in my head for so long. It helps to write it out here.

I'm getting stronger with each day and I've been to Zumba the last two nights. I'm tracking my points and I'm realizing that 26 points doesn't get me much when I'm not making healthy food choices. That's right, I lost another daily point when I got below 200 pounds. I started out at 30 points a day and now I'm at 26. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and I will get back to where I was - every day is still a learning experience.
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