01 02 03 I'm My Favorite: Scared of Change 04 05 15 16 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 31 32 33

Scared of Change

A few weeks before I graduated from college I was with my parents at an outlet mall. I was standing with my dad outside of Eddie Bauer waiting for my mom who was inside shopping. My dad was making small talk with me and asked me if I was excited to be finishing up with school and after a few moments of silence from me I started crying.

I was scared. I hadn't realized it until that moment, but I was scared to death about my life changing. All I had known at that point in my life was school. Although I was ready to finally be done with school, I was scared of it being over. School wasn't my favorite thing, but at least I knew what to expect from it. What I didn't know was what was waiting for me in the real world. And I knew life was never going to be the same again.

I'm sure my dad gave me some words of wisdom and helped be over my panic attack. This memory is very clear to me. There have been other similar situations like this one that I have a vivid memories of. Here's another doozy ...

After Jim and I had Jacob we knew we wanted another baby, but we wanted to wait at least three years before trying to get pregnant again. A month after Jacob turned one (on Mother's Day no less) I took a pregnancy test and had the two brightest lines staring back at me telling me I was pregnant. I remember clearly watching Jacob in his crib as he slept, tears pouring down my face.

My little Jacob

I was scared. This wasn't our plan. I was afraid for Jacob - how would a sibling fit into his life. I was scared for me and Jim - could we possible love another child as much as we loved Jacob. Nine months later this is what we were blessed with.

My Gracie Girl
 Jim and I both agree that this little "surprise" was the best thing that could have happened to us. We are so thankful that our kids are 20 months apart. Sure it was hard in the beginning but it has been so worth it. Our kids are so close. They love each other so much. They are 7 and 5 now and on the weekends it's a special treat for them because they get to have sleepovers in each others rooms.

My point (besides showing off photos of my kids) is that those big life changing moments that you know are about to happen are scary. For me it results in tears and panic attacks.

This is why I wasn't ready to hit 199 yesterday when I got on the scale and saw how close I was.

I haven't had time to get ready for it yet. Yes, I've been heavy the majority of my adult life and it's sucked, but at least I knew what to expect from it. I'm not a yo-yo dieter. I've never lost weight before and then gained it back. I've just steadily gained more and more weight over the years. Weight loss is a new experience for me.

My weight loss is really starting to show. Not only people that haven't seen me in awhile, but also people that see me every day are starting to tell me they have noticed my weight loss. I can take a compliment. I can sincerely say thank you and appreciate what they say. But it's the look on their face when they say it and it's my reaction when I see myself in the mirror that has me freaked out.

I hadn't realized how scared I was of all of these changes until the last few weeks. Just like when my dad asked me about school and I didn't know until that moment that I was scared of the new changes. Don't get me wrong. I'm very excited about all this. It's just all so new and I don't know what to expect. I need to spend some time preparing myself for what's to come. I know it's just a number on a scale but it represents much more to me. It was a number I never thought would be possible to achieve. I had written it off. 199 was what I weighed when I was married 10 years ago; two babies ago. But I'm right there. It's coming and I want to be ready for it.
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